macchiato
Alien
Socializing has always been difficult for me. I've always been very shy and socially anxious. Hate eye contact, hate crowds, hate being touched without permission. I wanted to be friends with others, but they didn't want to be friends with me. It's like I missed the day at school where everyone learned how to act like a human. Somehow that is still true at age 27.
It sounds pathetic now that I type it out, but it's true. I guess I can blame covid for taking half of my college years, but I'm not sure if much would have changed anyway.
I have a feeling I'd be schizoid if I wasn't autistic (I don't believe you can be both at once but I could be wrong). My interest in being social fluctuates. I usually have really low social motivation and battery, despite being lonely sometimes. I feel normal going a whole day without talking to anybody, going to places by myself, talking to myself online... that's just how life has always been for me. Whenever I try talking to others, whether it be in-person or online, I can tell in their tone and mannerisms that they don't want to. They're just being nice.
Over time I just kind of stopped caring about getting attention or making friends. It just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me no matter how hard I try.
I really only have one person in my life I can truly call my friend. Their name is Cal. I've known them since middle school, but we only started becoming friends around sophomore year in high school. We had a programming class together, and they were having trouble with the first assignment so I helped them, and it went on from there. So it's been almost 10 years now. I've told them things I would never tell ANYONE else, and they're still here. They don't judge me. Too much, but bullying me in that sibling-like way is always on the table.
I don't have much of a support system. My dad is gone, my extended family is gone or republican, my sister is an addict who cut us off, and I barely have any friends. So I'm thankful for those I still have, but it's a nagging fear that I'll be all alone if anything ever happened to them.
Though I said earlier I kind of stopped caring, the feeling of loneliness does creep up on me sometimes. When I hear others talking about going out with friends, going on a date with their partner, or actually anything social really, I wonder how much I'm missing out on. It's dumb actually. Whenever I'm alone, I wanna be with people. When I'm with people, I just want to be alone.
Relating to fictional characters has always helped somehow, so you could call it a "kin" or "comfort character." The most recent one has been Ramb from Deltarune chapter 3. Ramb is a bit egotistical, thinking he was special because Kris played with him like any other toy. But deep down, he doesn't think much of himself and never really fit in. Not even Tenna really liked him or trusted him. After Ramb turns to stone, a Pippins will tell you the same thing, and says "No one will shed a tear for him. Inside, he was probably stone already." Man, that line hit hard. With the state of the world now and how life has been lately, I find myself diving into escapism more, as bad as it sounds.
There wasn't much of a point to this blog post. Just me complaining about something and doing nothing to change it I guess.