Memento mori. This is a phrase that has followed me throughout my life. I remember first learning about it when I read through A Series of Unfortunate Events in elementary school. In the fifth book of the series, The Austere Academy, starts with the three main characters entering a weird boarding school with this as their motto. And it always stuck with me for some reason. Remember you will die. Remember death. Remember you are mortal.
“What do you think it means?” Violet asked.
“If I’m not mistaken,” said Klaus, who was rarely mistaken, “‘Memento Mori’ means ‘Remember you will die.’”
“Remember you will die,” Violet repeated quietly, and the three siblings stepped closer to one another, as if they were very cold. Everybody will die, of course, sooner or later. Circus performers will die, and clarinet experts will die, and you and I will die, and there might be a person who lives on your block, right now, who is not looking both ways before he crosses the street and who will die in just a few seconds, all because of a bus. Everybody will die, but very few people want to be reminded of that fact. The children certainly did not want to remember that they would die, particularly as they walked beneath the arch over Prufrock Prep. The Baudelaire orphans did not need to be reminded of this as they began their first day in the giant graveyard that was now their home.
Then as a young adult, I played through Persona 3 during a particularly rough time during my life. I think it was late 2019 to early 2020. I was just really struggling with depression, loneliness, and suicidal thoughts. The game’s characters and messages resonated with me, and I always just loved the original opening. God, Burn My Dread is probably one of my favorite songs ever and the cinematic with it is simple but cool. Memento mori is a phrase that popped up a lot in the openings, mainly the original and the PSP version. It fits with the game’s overall theme and message. Remember you will die. Everything ends, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have meaning. It means you need to make the most of life while it’s here.
Now, back in April 2024, my dad was diagnosed with leukemia, specifically acute myeloid leukemia (AML), which has a poor prognosis at his age. It’s been a year of long drives to the hospital, seeing him lose autonomy, the ability to work, the pain the chemo and hospital stays put him through, and hearing how my mother can struggle to take care of him when I’m not in town. We all thought the treatment was going well, and he was certainly going to get better. But then it came back worse, and spread to his brain. It didn’t affect his cognitive ability at all and they were able to remove the small tumor in the front of his brain with radiation and surgery. However once leukemia spreads there, you cannot get a bone marrow transplant since it won't help with the cancer there, which is currently the only ‘cure’ for it. It simply won’t work since it's not just cancer in one body part, it's all of your blood. With that fact, there’s no cure for him. He decided he would do some light chemo to extend his life for a little bit while he settles his affairs, and the doctor gave him three to six months. It’s been about a month since then. Hopefully I will be able to visit again next weekend and just spend it with him. I'll ask about his favorite memories, watch his favorite movies, listen to his favorite music, and ask all the things I've been wanting to know but just never did. I've been thinking about maybe writing him a letter, expressing my gratitude for him. I feel like if there's a time to do something like this, it's now.
About 6 months ago, I got into a pretty bad car accident. A guy merged into me without looking, and pushed me over into the oncoming lane of traffic and I hit another car head-on. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I stumbled out of the car with blood running down my leg, going to try and help the poor old lady I hit. I’m thankful for the good samaritans who lived in the apartments right in front of where it happened, since they came out to help. Honestly I was too shaken up and afraid of hurting the lady further. All in all, all of us involved were extremely lucky. As far as I know the lady is doing good. I had to go to my eye doctor to get my glasses adjusted since the airbag hitting me made them crooked. I had seatbelt bruises and needed 3 stitches on my knee from the edge of the dashboard cutting it, but that’s it.
What sickened me though, was the fact I was in the middle of moving when this happened and had some boxes of furniture in the back. My bed frame box slid into the front of the passenger side, breaking the windshield. If it slid the other way, or if anyone was in the passenger side, I/they would be severely injured or even dead. Or even if the car I hit was a bigger vehicle. Our cars were about the same size, but everyone loves driving those huge fucking pickup trucks that sit much higher (I think they need to regulate the size and length of these cars for the average driver. I mean I can't even see behind me when pulling out of a parking spot if one of these is beside me...but that’s a topic for another time). I would have been hurt much worse or be dead right now if I hit a larger vehicle instead, and got a face full of the front of it. I’m thankful none of this happened, but the what-ifs still unsettle me.
Now I’m thinking about that phrase more than ever. It didn’t have as much meaning before, but it does now. I think a lot of us go through life, seeing bad stuff happen to others but we think ‘Well, that happens to other people though. Not to me, or my family, or friends.’ Until it does happen to you, or your family, or your friends. When I rewatch Akinari's social link in Persona 3 Reload, it truly hits different now. He was favorite social link before, but it different now, and I love his mom's quote at the very end.
"Take good care of the ones you hold dear. If you wait until their day comes…it’s too late. Clinging to their cold bodies won’t bring them back…Everyone who’s born will die someday. Not just Akinari, or me, or even you. It’s all the same. So before that happens…It doesn’t take a grand gesture. You don’t have to make a big production of it, but…If you love someone, let them know it. We all go through life with the same struggles, the same heartbreak...We should all lift each other up with the same love and kindnesss as well...I'm sure you have something precious you can share with people, too...Don't ever forget it."
With this long-winded explanation of what the phrase 'memento mori' means to me in mind, I've been thinking about getting it tattooed somewhere. Tattoos are cool on other people, but I always thought I'd never get one myself because I'm so indecisive, until recently. I've been thinking on it for a few months, and figured by the end of the year if I still want it, I'm getting it. I don't care if others think it's pretentious or edgy or cliché, it has a lot of meaning to me. I don't want anything fancy honestly, just the words in a simple font on my upper arm maybe. I always thought my wrist would be a good place for a small tattoo like this, but I hear the wrist can hurt pretty bad. My friends say tattoos feel like bad cat scratches, but I still have no clue what to expect when getting it, so I didn't want the wrist as my first one. We'll see by the end of the year I guess.